User Profile

How do I explain the weirdness of trying, again and again and again, to figure out who I am? I keep saying, Screw it, this is my one last chance to be irresponsible and reckless, and I keep saying, Man, I'm lonely, and I keep trying so hard to live for the moment that I often ended up missing moments, but not always. These past years...I slept far too little, drank way too much, gained weight, picked at my scalp, ran 5 miles with cross country trainers, danced almost every weekend, drove back and forth across the state, moved back and forth across the country, fell in love, almost got over it, wrote songs, played music with wailing fiddles until 2 am, went skinnydipping at night, talked about life with 13-year old girls until 2 am, didn't pray much, thanked God while I was walking under the trees, climbed mountains in my spare time, galloped on horseback, danced over fire, got the worst case of poison ivy ever, broke my glasses, sang Christmas carols in July, had shaving cream fights, hung high in the trees as the sun came up, carried canoes all over camp, slept all over camp, built huge fires, didn't quite manage to build fires, got totally immersed in mud, caught frogs, ate sassafras, ate blackberries, ate beef stew, rode ferries on Lake Michigan, went to music festivals, didn't go to church, tried to make myself throw up, ate too much cookie dough, stacked benches as a prank, climbed trees, climbed buildings, sang "Country Roads" 300 times, got leeches, broke 14 guitar strings, had sausages stuck in my ears, danced on the dining room tables, got thrown in the lake, was Chief of the Water, was a bridesmaid in a strapless gown, painted my face at least 10 times, lost all my long hippie hair, got chased by children, chased horses, chased dogs, set up tents, rolled on the ground laughing, cried by myself, cried for joy when kids left, cried with a broken heart with kids left, cried when I left and when friends left and when we all kept getting left behind.

Am I making any sense? I don't know who I am right now. I'm this weird chameleon who's good at changing to fit in any situation that i'm in, but it's been good and healing because I know what parts of me were getting smashed down and I'm starting to revive them and it just feels so GOOD to be alive and live day by day without a plan. It feels good to be a little reckless and to drive across the country far too many times and to be a little unhealthy and a little wild. One of my regrets is how far I've run from whoever that God was, but at the same time, I feel happy because it's a distance that is tugging me back again. I need to return in my own way, in my own time, and I'm finding that path. I've been living in blues music and barefoot dancing and weedy water and dirty shins. But I know that I've been selling life short, and that the only reason all this earthy, daily stuff is so GOOD is because of something fiery, alive, green. And I know that I'm making my way towards being deeply, truly happy. I've realized for the first time how much freedom I really
have, and it's heady, and i know I'll come back down to reality eventually, but I also know that something inside of me has been loosed that needed loosening, and something inside of me has changed that needed changing, and that I'm never going to be in the suburbs or
in a respectable, level-headed job, that somehow the dirty, crazy, tree-hugging, poet hippie inside of me broke loose for good and I've learned a little bit about it being Ok to have no plans, to live life as it comes at you.

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